My 7 yr old son has shown some characteristics of aspergers syndrome which is on the autism spectrum. I have tried to include my ex-husband in understanding these issues, so that we may help my son rather than punish him for having these issues that he can't control. My son fits much of the list of apserger traits, though my ex is violently against "labeling" him. So he refuses to treat my son in a manner consistent with having issues that are far from simply "misbehaving". He wants to beat and bully him into submission, which I know would damage my little boy beyond repair. Anyway, labeling my kid with a professional opinion on this has been unnecessary thus far, as we homeschool, and much of my homeschool literature and curricula is geared toward a nurturing educational experience for children with autism/asperger's and sensory issues. And I can usually stave off the abuse, though not the emotional as much as the physical, that my ex hits my son with most of the time.
Recently we attended a renaissance festival, and after having walked around all day, my son, tired and overstimulated, as those with sensory issues are easily afflicted with, was a little stubborn, so, typically, my ex railed at my son with a litany of verbal abuse, that made me cry as well, totally reducing the little boy to tears. It was the saddest thing, as I know my son looks up to his dad, and wants his approval so much, which he never gets, just ridicule, humiliation and criticism. Little boy was so hurt.....and that's damage I can't undo.
Then, as we were stranded in traffic, my ex became enraged, and started yelling that he was going to go punch the other drivers around us in the face. To me, this just seems to be setting my son up for severe problems later in life. It's important to me to provide my son with a safe and loving family atmosphere, so that when he does face the outside world, he will do so with confidence and self-respect. I suggested to my ex that just because someone might be inclined to punch my son in the face (as he is) in the future, that we should not punch my son in the face to illustrate the reality of this. He seemed to disagree.
His sister, with 2 sons close to my son's age, is a big factor in influencing him against me. She has sent her sons to "school" since they were infants, and constantly disparages me for my educational choices. Our educational curricula is based upon child research that shows that children do well with academics and reading exercises occurring at a later age, than traditional schools that are trying to impress parents with competetive academic abilities at very young ages. It's a more organic, therapeutic and nourishing approach, that is actually conducive to more academic success later in life. But the sister is a mean and competitive woman, who's always slapping her kids and yanking them -- hard -- around impatiently and roughly. A few years ago, after their flight to visit here, they "discovered" the youngest son had a broken arm. I'm positive she was responsible for this, as it is a long flight from NJ, and she has no patience with her young children, while having to sit still and restrained on a long flight, she was more physically abusive than usual. So with her conniving and constantly influencing my ex against me and my parenting, makes him even more threatening toward us.
And now, since this little trip at Thanksgiving, my son has begun to display much worse symptoms, more consistent with aspergers. Up until now, his sensory issues have made him very sensitive to noise -- we can't have any music in the house, and that has been quite difficult, as before, music was sooo therapeutic for us, in work, activities and play. He frequently has difficulty with my ex and me talking, often asking for complete silence, and most of his conversations are one-sided, without graspng the significance of what the other person is saying. My ex becomes infuriated and violent about these issues as well, piling the abuse on me too, yelling at me for "allowing" my son to "get away" with this behavior. Apparently though, it's against the law to physically punish a child with these kinds of issues, though I am terrified of what my ex would do to my son without my intervention, as he refuses to acknowledge the aspergers. Which, by the way, is hereditary, and I am certain that my ex has some of the same issues, lack of sympathy for others is a big one.
Ayway, as mentioned, the symptoms have been magnified tremendously since our return from the Renaissance festival....and I am desperate now about how to proceed with my son's worsening conditions, as well as his father's hostility and violence. My boy has become severly stressed at changes in the smallest of things -- has total meltdowns whenever we have to wash his dishes, as he wants to save his crumbs, "because they're just so beautiful." So far, we've managed to save one plate, with crumbs, in a ziplock bag, some paper towels with crumbs, and the wrappers from bean burritos at Taco Bell. I told him beyond that, that we just don't have the room to save anymore crumbs or papers. We've spent days crying about this, literally. And now, we must eat most of our food outside, without plates or napkins, so there won't be any crumbs. I also was in the process of cleaning and reorganizing our tiny apartment, so that we could begin some new homeshcooling and christmas projects, but instead we've spent our days crying and pleading in desperation not to remove the stacks of books from the floor, or move the coats and sweaters, the exact placement of our shoes....one day we couldn't even leave the house because he was frantic at the thought of moving my backpack from the exact place on the floor.
I've since convinced him to let me take my backpack, our coats, hats and shoes.....but this is a daily, never-ending struggle, now, that's just recently begun to consume our lives. He won't use his computer, because he refuses to close any of the open windows, all with sound that overlap each other. We can't plug in the tv, as I recently rearranged some furniture, which was devastating for him, and he wants it to "stay the same". So, no movies, no computer, and he so wanted a wii for christmas, which his uncle bought for him, but now he says he won't be able to play on the wii, because we can't plug in the tv. It's like our lives have come to a complete and utter standstill. We sometimes struggle so much with these things that we can't leave the house to go for a walk or to the park.
So I'm at a complete loss; I know that we will have to get some help for this, though I know, esp with homeschooling, that things will be ok with the proper therapeutic educational direction. However, what's even more distressing is my complete terror at the thought of my ex's reaction to this.
He's going to be hating and dissing me even more than usual -- it seems it's his greatest pleasure to hit me with hours of verbal abuse and criticism. (Which happened previously when the only "fault" he could find with me was that I was spending a little extra $$ on organic fruit....I spent an entire afternoon on the phone with him while he screamed at me for buying organic bananas, with my son crying in desperation because he feels the tension strongly from my ex's anger....which my ex then screams at me about, for not physically punishing him and forcing him to "shut up." (And since then, I suffer extreme retribution if I even
think of buying organic anything.)
Sigh. This is becoming very difficult, just to function minimally in the day, though I know it would manageable with my ex's help. The difficulty however, is so thoroughly magnified by his hositility and violence, that I'm kind of starting to panic about it. Therefore, any thoughts or suggestions, I would happily love to have.
I think that it's very important to have a support system for these kinds of issues....and I am completely of the belief that these "issues" that children are now having are more the result of some very messed up energy and priorities in the world -- and that these children are the crystal and indigo children who are being incarnated at this time to help usher in a new frequency on the planet. What's necessary is the understanding and latitude given them by the adults in their lives, who should be willing to guide them gently and with love, not violence and abuse.
Anyway, my thoughts and experiences on the matter.